Thursday, September 7th, 2006
The Chameleon Effect
A conversation I had today brought something to my attention. It wasn’t entirely new for me. I was aware of it for quite some time. But this conversation made me realize the source of the problem (at least a possible source).
The conversation was with one of my colleagues. The context: my last day at work. My colleague took me aside to say goodbye personally, and among other things, he said that he has always appreciated my patience and calm responses to every question he had.
Now, I certainly don’t have any intention to brag. The reason I am telling you this is that these things took me by surprise. I love helping people and sharing knowledge whenever I can, but to be honest, I don’t consider myself too calm. It’s not that I get angry when I help people. But I always felt that sometimes I become a little too passionate about the message I am trying to pass. Passion is usually a positive thing, but when you are engaged in a mentoring session or a professional discussion, you must be open-minded, and listen to each other.
So, why did I feel that my eagerness is sometimes an obstacle, while my colleague felt I am calm and attentive? I think the reason, at least in my case, is the chameleon effect.
You see, this person, who by the way I highly appreciate, is in fact a very calm person. I have never heard him raise his voice or act impatiently. And that’s where the chameleon effect comes into the picture. I guess that when I talk to a calm, patient, and attentive person it is almost impossible for me to act differently. When one side of the conversation is already pleasant, the other side will shortly follow. It is as if my colleague had an effect on me when we talked.
But when I am part of an already charged conversation, I immediately become ultra-passionate, and sometimes too passionate. This passion at this level in that particular context is interpreted as a challenge, so the other party becomes even more eager to prove his point, and so on. Now, it can all lead to a very interesting discussion. But there’s also a chance that the participants will become so focused in their own arguments that they will fail to engage a real, open, and fruitful conversation.
The chameleon effect makes us match our act to the surroundings. Of course, our nature and qualities affect the way we behave. But when we interact with another person the way he behaves also affects us. Think about the meaning of the word “interact”. It means to act upon one another. When you are engaged in a conversation, you are not just exchanging words and ideas. You make the other person respond. He, in return, makes you respond. Both your responses, their content and the way they are presented, are highly affected from the way the other acts.
The challenge is breaking the cycle. If you are aware of these dynamics, you may be able to control them. It probably won’t be easy at first, but when you interact with people, try to pay attention to how you respond. When you feel your response was counterproductive in its nature, try to think what triggered you to respond this way. Make a mental note, and next time try to identify these dynamics before you respond.
Naturally, it will be a process. But in time, you’ll learn to control the way you interact instead of automatically responding to the other person’s challenge. Your interactions with other people will become calmer, more focused, and more effective. You will eventually get rid of the chameleon effect.