Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
So many people are crossing our lives. Few of them leave a mark. You can never know who they’ll be.
Flora and I shared an office for three months. Now, I am not the kind of person who easily opens up to people I’ve just met. But after a couple of weeks, Flora’s presence seemed like the most natural thing. It was as if she was always there.
It was quite a rough time for me at work. At least it was “supposed to be”. But thanks to Flora, I don’t remember it as such. It was actually fun going to work during that time. We had the strangest talks and the greatest laughs. We had a personal sign language and jokes no one else around understood. We even talked about writing a blog together (unfortunately, it was my fault we eventually didn’t). And all of it happened in the short time we worked together. I can safely say she helped me survive these three months at work.
Flora was the kind of person few people could stay indifferent to. She was smart, funny, and fun to talk to. She left her job at about the same time I did. Our parting just blended into many other goodbyes. I hoped we would stay in touch, but with my new job and her trip abroad, we didn’t manage to.
A couple of weeks ago, she died in a car accident.
I knew Flora for only three months. We merely shared an office. But the greatest thing about Flora was that this didn’t prevent her from reaching, connecting, and making others want to do the same.
I will miss her. I already do.
Thursday, September 7th, 2006
A conversation I had today brought something to my attention. It wasn’t entirely new for me. I was aware of it for quite some time. But this conversation made me realize the source of the problem (at least a possible source).
The conversation was with one of my colleagues. The context: my last day at work. My colleague took me aside to say goodbye personally, and among other things, he said that he has always appreciated my patience and calm responses to every question he had.
Now, I certainly don’t have any intention to brag. The reason I am telling you this is that these things took me by surprise. I love helping people and sharing knowledge whenever I can, but to be honest, I don’t consider myself too calm. It’s not that I get angry when I help people. But I always felt that sometimes I become a little too passionate about the message I am trying to pass. Passion is usually a positive thing, but when you are engaged in a mentoring session or a professional discussion, you must be open-minded, and listen to each other.
So, why did I feel that my eagerness is sometimes an obstacle, while my colleague felt I am calm and attentive? I think the reason, at least in my case, is the chameleon effect.
You see, this person, who by the way I highly appreciate, is in fact a very calm person. I have never heard him raise his voice or act impatiently. And that’s where the chameleon effect comes into the picture. I guess that when I talk to a calm, patient, and attentive person it is almost impossible for me to act differently. When one side of the conversation is already pleasant, the other side will shortly follow. It is as if my colleague had an effect on me when we talked.
But when I am part of an already charged conversation, I immediately become ultra-passionate, and sometimes too passionate. This passion at this level in that particular context is interpreted as a challenge, so the other party becomes even more eager to prove his point, and so on. Now, it can all lead to a very interesting discussion. But there’s also a chance that the participants will become so focused in their own arguments that they will fail to engage a real, open, and fruitful conversation.
The chameleon effect makes us match our act to the surroundings. Of course, our nature and qualities affect the way we behave. But when we interact with another person the way he behaves also affects us. Think about the meaning of the word “interact”. It means to act upon one another. When you are engaged in a conversation, you are not just exchanging words and ideas. You make the other person respond. He, in return, makes you respond. Both your responses, their content and the way they are presented, are highly affected from the way the other acts.
The challenge is breaking the cycle. If you are aware of these dynamics, you may be able to control them. It probably won’t be easy at first, but when you interact with people, try to pay attention to how you respond. When you feel your response was counterproductive in its nature, try to think what triggered you to respond this way. Make a mental note, and next time try to identify these dynamics before you respond.
Naturally, it will be a process. But in time, you’ll learn to control the way you interact instead of automatically responding to the other person’s challenge. Your interactions with other people will become calmer, more focused, and more effective. You will eventually get rid of the chameleon effect.